Going over my blog-

I can see such a difference in myself. The petty things I would blog about are laughable now. Everyone talks about growing up like there's a switch you can flip and bam- you're an adult. It's funny how gradual the changes are. Unnoticeable for the most part, until one day you look back.

I love that I've learned so many valuable life lessons over the past year or two. I'll be on here with a renewed voice. I'm sure I'll bitch about pointless shit still, but atleast it's with a different perspective. =]

Background after two years MIA

I haven't posted on here in so long. Goodness. The past two years have been a roller coaster. I was in a relationship for a major portion of it. We were engaged, he liked to cheat, we broke up. For awhile I was sad, and then I moved on. I absorbed myself with random sex, and liked to keep nameless men in my life. Recently I met someone who takes my breath away. He's everything I've looked for and never found in a man. Plus, he is a man, and not a boy.

As for the rest of my life- I moved out a couple of years ago with my ex, up until Dec, we hadn't lived a part. After the break up I moved back in with my Grandparents. It was nice, I worked at a part time job for awhile then found an apartment in a bigger city 30 minutes away. I moved out, and for a time had three jobs, then two for a good while, and am in the process of going back to three. A women's clothing store, smoke shop, and pizza place. I love working like crazy. I have expensive taste and appreciate buying myself senseless shit with my hard earned money. My lack of social life sometimes is a downer, but whatever. I'm an adult, I may as well work my ass off, and save up now before I have children or a husband to spend it on. I hope to update my blog more often now. I just felt like laying down the current foundation after being MIA for so long.

ahh, college.

i start pretty soon here. i'm getting everything set up. today a bought a new laptop..so that should be quite helpful.

i'm excited.

helloooo, BA

it's been awhile

It's been a long time since I was on here.

Lately things have been going smoothly.

This summer has been full of changes.

I recently decided that August is my favorite month. It always brings about change, and whole new experiences. Whether it brings an end to summer and started up new school years..plus I turn a new age in August.

I'm pretty sure August could stomp any other month that tried to 'bring it' . haha.

I dated Bob for a couple months. It was an ok time. In hindsight...

We've been hanging out again lately. After 3 and a half weeks of being broken up. He wants me to come with him to a resort beach town away from here. He has the suite and everything.

Promises of a fireplace, martinelli's apple cidar, and billie holiday sound magical..ideally. Love strikes me as a fantasy. The idea is splendid... Movies tend to leave out the grim parts. Glam it is anything but. But hey, I don't know about real love..just infatuation adn a lot of lust.

I'm on a hardcore diet. I've been trying to get in less than 200 calories a day....I've sucked lately. I lost 16 pounds in a week though. So, that worked out nicely. Lately I've been eating too much yogurt. Kinda depressing.

When I came home from Guatemala, I came home a lot lighter than when I left...Since being back in the states..I gained it all back plus some.

You can imagine the emotional turmoil I went through. And then the thoughts of where ever I go, other people were noticing it too and more than likely discussing it amongst themselves. I learned to be pretty introverted.

Oh well, I'm getting over it. As my old roomie would say "Suck it up, Princess"

boys are so stupid.

I used to always think I was hardly ever depressed. I feel really weird.

Today I started crying twice from being yelled at. I just feel weird. I know it will go away but I hate it. It's been happening more and more it seems like. I haven't had a good sleeping schedule..I've been staying up a couple days at a time and stuff.

Maybe I really am bipolar..But I don't think I really feel that way. I'm not crazy crazy. I don't feel all weird and nuts..I don't know. I can't describe it. I'm pretty much in control..I thought at least. I'm not sure, and that scares me. I know that I don't want to go to a doctor. They just want an excuse to pump you full of medicine, and I hate feelings like I can't control this. But it's getting really hard.

I've done the med thing..It never seemed like it helped but I never really took it regularly. I hate taking pills..it leaves a horrible after taste and stuff. I don't know. ..I started crying all over again writing this. I'm retarded some times. I keep telling myself how stupid I am so much. It's like there's 2 people inside my head. Always arguing with each other. Constantly telling me how stupid I am, how ugly, how fat, how irritating, how obnoxious..how everything. Just never ending.

I don't really have much else to say. I think I probably got some stuff out.

empty

i'm so empty. really really empty.

If it wasn't for some hope of God and an afterlife.. suicide wouldn't scare me at all. I've prayed to be "saved" from everything. If God's real to do something. I almost feel bad for asking, but is it so bad to want to feel needed? If God was real, he certainly wouldn't need me or anyone.

I don't know why it hurts that I'm really not needed. I'm so stuck in life. What is there to really look forward to? I can't think of much. I feel like I could have potential to do something. But, then if I don't.. that would be the ultimate let down, and I really don't want to be hurt like that. My friend out of the blue tonight told me I was scared of rejection. Of course I am. I hate being hurt. I'd rather never be hurt and hur tothers than get hurt once and have the pain last. But then, I hurt this way too.

I don't really know the answer to my problems. I don't even know how to define my "problems". The solution evades me. Periodically while I'm drivign I'll find a tree somewhere up a head, or a bridge or over pass, and think about what place I would need to start gaining speed in order to hit it dead on and have a good enough impact to die on contact, or to make it over the edge.

That's about all I have right now. I might add more.

bla bla bla

It's been a long time since I posted in here.

Life is life. No other way to explain it. Up down all around. Yea.. I started doing more drugs. I've been drinking a lot more lately. It's fun!! Okay, not really. It is at the time, but whatever. That's all I got.