Rumblings

Going over my blog-

2009-05-15T01:37:00.000-07:00

I can see such a difference in myself. The petty things I would blog about are laughable now. Everyone talks about growing up like there's a switch you can flip and bam- you're an adult. It's funny how gradual the changes are. Unnoticeable for the most part, until one day you look back.

I love that I've learned so many valuable life lessons over the past year or two. I'll be on here with a renewed voice. I'm sure I'll bitch about pointless shit still, but atleast it's with a different perspective. =]

Background after two years MIA

2009-05-15T01:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted on here in so long. Goodness. The past two years have been a roller coaster. I was in a relationship for a major portion of it. We were engaged, he liked to cheat, we broke up. For awhile I was sad, and then I moved on. I absorbed myself with random sex, and liked to keep nameless men in my life. Recently I met someone who takes my breath away. He's everything I've looked for and never found in a man. Plus, he is a man, and not a boy.

As for the rest of my life- I moved out a couple of years ago with my ex, up until Dec, we hadn't lived a part. After the break up I moved back in with my Grandparents. It was nice, I worked at a part time job for awhile then found an apartment in a bigger city 30 minutes away. I moved out, and for a time had three jobs, then two for a good while, and am in the process of going back to three. A women's clothing store, smoke shop, and pizza place. I love working like crazy. I have expensive taste and appreciate buying myself senseless shit with my hard earned money. My lack of social life sometimes is a downer, but whatever. I'm an adult, I may as well work my ass off, and save up now before I have children or a husband to spend it on. I hope to update my blog more often now. I just felt like laying down the current foundation after being MIA for so long.

2006-09-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

ahh, college.

i start pretty soon here. i'm getting everything set up. today a bought a new laptop..so that should be quite helpful.

i'm excited.

helloooo, BA

it's been awhile

2006-08-28T23:22:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I was on here.

Lately things have been going smoothly.

This summer has been full of changes.

I recently decided that August is my favorite month. It always brings about change, and whole new experiences. Whether it brings an end to summer and started up new school years..plus I turn a new age in August.

I'm pretty sure August could stomp any other month that tried to 'bring it' . haha.

I dated Bob for a couple months. It was an ok time. In hindsight...

We've been hanging out again lately. After 3 and a half weeks of being broken up. He wants me to come with him to a resort beach town away from here. He has the suite and everything.

Promises of a fireplace, martinelli's apple cidar, and billie holiday sound magical..ideally. Love strikes me as a fantasy. The idea is splendid... Movies tend to leave out the grim parts. Glam it is anything but. But hey, I don't know about real love..just infatuation adn a lot of lust.

I'm on a hardcore diet. I've been trying to get in less than 200 calories a day....I've sucked lately. I lost 16 pounds in a week though. So, that worked out nicely. Lately I've been eating too much yogurt. Kinda depressing.

When I came home from Guatemala, I came home a lot lighter than when I left...Since being back in the states..I gained it all back plus some.

You can imagine the emotional turmoil I went through. And then the thoughts of where ever I go, other people were noticing it too and more than likely discussing it amongst themselves. I learned to be pretty introverted.

Oh well, I'm getting over it. As my old roomie would say "Suck it up, Princess"

2005-06-02T02:22:00.000-07:00

boys are so stupid.

2005-04-19T11:03:00.000-07:00

I used to always think I was hardly ever depressed. I feel really weird.

Today I started crying twice from being yelled at. I just feel weird. I know it will go away but I hate it. It's been happening more and more it seems like. I haven't had a good sleeping schedule..I've been staying up a couple days at a time and stuff.

Maybe I really am bipolar..But I don't think I really feel that way. I'm not crazy crazy. I don't feel all weird and nuts..I don't know. I can't describe it. I'm pretty much in control..I thought at least. I'm not sure, and that scares me. I know that I don't want to go to a doctor. They just want an excuse to pump you full of medicine, and I hate feelings like I can't control this. But it's getting really hard.

I've done the med thing..It never seemed like it helped but I never really took it regularly. I hate taking pills..it leaves a horrible after taste and stuff. I don't know. ..I started crying all over again writing this. I'm retarded some times. I keep telling myself how stupid I am so much. It's like there's 2 people inside my head. Always arguing with each other. Constantly telling me how stupid I am, how ugly, how fat, how irritating, how obnoxious..how everything. Just never ending.

I don't really have much else to say. I think I probably got some stuff out.

empty

2005-03-24T22:25:00.000-08:00

i'm so empty. really really empty.

If it wasn't for some hope of God and an afterlife.. suicide wouldn't scare me at all. I've prayed to be "saved" from everything. If God's real to do something. I almost feel bad for asking, but is it so bad to want to feel needed? If God was real, he certainly wouldn't need me or anyone.

I don't know why it hurts that I'm really not needed. I'm so stuck in life. What is there to really look forward to? I can't think of much. I feel like I could have potential to do something. But, then if I don't.. that would be the ultimate let down, and I really don't want to be hurt like that. My friend out of the blue tonight told me I was scared of rejection. Of course I am. I hate being hurt. I'd rather never be hurt and hur tothers than get hurt once and have the pain last. But then, I hurt this way too.

I don't really know the answer to my problems. I don't even know how to define my "problems". The solution evades me. Periodically while I'm drivign I'll find a tree somewhere up a head, or a bridge or over pass, and think about what place I would need to start gaining speed in order to hit it dead on and have a good enough impact to die on contact, or to make it over the edge.

That's about all I have right now. I might add more.

bla bla bla

2005-02-19T23:20:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I posted in here.

Life is life. No other way to explain it. Up down all around. Yea.. I started doing more drugs. I've been drinking a lot more lately. It's fun!! Okay, not really. It is at the time, but whatever. That's all I got.

title-less

2004-12-30T21:42:00.000-08:00

I want to sleep but I have to write two letters to two different uncles. Christmas break has gone by pretty fast. In another couple of blinks, it'll be completely over. Last year it snowed so we got an extra week off. This year It probably won't, plus snow kinda sucks. Oh well.

I was over at Shawna's today watching a marathon of a Canadian t.v. show we both love, so it was pretty relaxed all day. She really is a good friend. Probably the best up here. I guess I just don't notice it as much as I should. It's cool to have someone to trust. It seems like trust is rare, so yep. Definetly appreciate it.

I don't have much else, just taking a break from the whole letter writing thing.

2004-12-26T19:28:00.000-08:00

rah rah rah!

Christmas was cool. Nothing went completely haywire and fucked it up. Always a plus. My New Years Resolution is to change the way I think, and become a truely nice person. Or at least make a major effort. I'm gonna try and be more positive. Yep. And like 86% of the rest of America.. I will lose 10 pounds!! lol.

Oh, I'm going to try and not cuss too, and do some reconstructive work on my vocabulary.

That would be about it.

nightmare

2004-12-06T21:17:00.000-08:00

I just woke up not too logn ago and I had a hardcore nightmare.

I was with a friend and we were in a house with guys and there was another girl. It turned out my friend's boyfriend was violent. Two guys were with the other girl. It was almost like I wasn't really there but just watching. Anyway..The boyfriend was going to rape my friend. He pulled out a knife and started stabbing her over and over..in the other room I could hear the two guys raping the other girl and gun shots and her screaming over and over. I heard a lot of screaming. I guess we were in the the boyfriend's house, because his dad was an angry drunk and they didn't want him to hear the gunshots or else he might come after them.

I ended up calling 9-11 and hiding under some cushions and other stuff on the floor. It was like the location I gave was my own house, but It was still like I was visiting and didn't know the actual adress. The guys came in looking for more people. I thought I made eye contact with one a couple times. I was really scared. They had a gun again.

One of the guys from the other room brought in the other girl. But it was like she was ok, not bleeding or anything. He was talking to the boyfriend who had stabbed my friend. And bragging and showing him how he did it. And replayed the whole thing while I watched..minus the screaming.

They were checking to make sure no one was in there and they were sticking some kind of hot thing on me..like a heated wire. It kept burning but I knew I couldn't make a sound. Finally they were throwing fire out into the room to make sure no one was there. I guess that's when the cops showed up...but it didn't happen in my dream. It was just over. I saw myself..I guess it was myself, I'm not really sure. But "I was walking down a long chain link balcony type thing and people were following me with cameras and stuff.

Then I was back at the house I started in. I saw the Dad..he started yelling and I ran out laughing. And running down the hill into the front yard and then all these people popped up. I guess we had been playing some kind of dare you to do it game. Like the house had that history and the local kids didn't believe it. So we'd act it out or something. I don't know. It's really confusing to me.

another post

2004-12-06T02:23:00.000-08:00

Ok..I'm coming u with more stuff.

I'm getting attached to someone who I shouldn't be. I don't want to be. It's really pissing me off. I don't know what to do about it. Say it? Be considered stupid for it...or Say it and have it possibly..very slight possibility..but anyway..have it turn into something more. It's like at this point I should just push this person away. That's what I think I'm going to have to do. It's like this person is influencing a lot of my choices. I think I'm probably depressed anyway and it's just an outlet or something like that. I'm not really sure.

I'm thinking about seeing a counselor... I don't want to be on any medicine though. But it's like...if someone has diabetes, or cancer..it would be absolutley stupid for them to not take their medicine. Maybe I need it? But, I really do not want it. It seems like I'm a zombie with it..But at the moment I'm really not far from that anyway.

I hate how it's almost like I can counsel myself..but it only goes so far, and doesn't stick.
Yea...I don't know. This hwole person thing is really bothering me. I hate not knowing what it's like from the other end. For real, I probably come off as a psycho. I have no idea. I try to hide a lot of it. But then I wonder about if it's reciprical..or whatever. Yea I'm done now.

i'm bored so i'm posting.

2004-12-06T01:53:00.000-08:00

I really hope no one fucking reads this shit. I wrote a couple of new poems the other night in class.

First one..

This breath holds so much
It holds my answer
It holds my key
It holds the touch of eternity
It releases my desires
It releases the pain
It releases the feelings that things will never change
Don't hold my hand,
Why start now?
Everything is finally clear now
Dusk was here, the sun has set
Everything once lost in yours and my debt
Is it sinking in fast?
For this breath will be my last

The other one I wrote is stupid. I don't really feel like posting it. If I do, I have to do some more work on it.
It's weird..Like I thought about walking out of class and going down to the train tracks and standing on them and just waiting for a train to come. Pain lasting for half a second. But I was thinking about this and part of me got the scared feeling..like I really don't want to do that. But then the other part was pressing me like I needed to do it. I'm a fucking psycho bitch. I'm such a loser now. Maybe things will get more exciting iwth a license..but whatever.

2004-11-04T23:11:00.000-08:00

Why does stuff with my Mom hurt so much?
Oh..maybe it's because she basically fucking ABANDONED me. For real, do I even want her to be normal at this point? If she did become normal, could I forget about all the things she's already done to me?

At this point though, maybe if she changed..it would mean a lot more.

My Grandma is the only Mom I've had, and she's been a great one. But she won't be around forever, or as logn as a Mom usually would..
What if my Grandma isn't around when I get married? I don't think even if my Mom was around, I'd want her at my wedding..IF she was around.
Yep, that's all for now.

2004-11-03T16:00:00.001-08:00

She cries, and she doesn't know why
The box is closing in, but all she does is shout.
Any action eliminated by doubt.

Ok, well it's not anything special, but It was one of those things where I was listening to beats and it kinda came out. One of the not thinking about it ones. But it makes so much sense.

I've been thinking a lot about my future. I'm a senior in highschool, after this year, I can go on to do anything I want with my life. This school year I haven't been doing to good, just goofing off mostly. Last friday was the cut off to make half a credit for the month. I hadn't gotten half a credit in two months.

My teacher gave me a political science class, so I started it Friday and finished the whole class in about an hour. It's like once I do accomplish something it gives me a push and I can start on the harder things. Last night I got serious about some math, and science. I'm so ridiculously close to finishing my math class. That gives me a push also. I started looking at a flyer about this college exchange program in Arizona. And then I went through some college books and stuff. I'm going to apply to Northern Arizona University. That's my plan for now.

I want to take the SAT's but my school being an alternative school doesn't really offer it. I have to go through the regular highschool. I'm really scared to take them. I don't want a bad score. If I don't do really well, it'll be like I failed.

I like it when I get in these focused moods. It's like, I'm not attached to anything, and I like that. I love focusing on my goals. Guys really do get in the way. When I devote all my focus to them..and them alone...fuck that. I need to go after my future as an individual. It's one thing to focus on my goals, then to get the drive to go after them. It seems like when I'm attached to someone else, I only think of my goals as a far off dream, something I don't need to strive for.

Partially what made me work so hard last night was my teacher. It was like she was challenging me to do it. And I really wanted to prove her wrong, and show her that if I want to I can do anything. I don't know how I can use that to my advantage all my life. Or if that's even a good thing. You'd think I'd want it for myself, which I do. But still, it's so weird. I want so much, but it's like I'm not that willing to give.

Well, that's about it for now. There's a lot more inside, I just don't know how to get it out. They're mostly weird emotions that I can't word.

hmmmm

2004-10-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

So..I wonder how much of that last post was driven by hormones?

Either way, I thought about it...I'm happy just being around him when were with other friends. I don't really want to push anything. Time will be a major factor.

Seis is really cute. He keeps meowing though. I took pictures of him last night. I got 2 in like..half an hour. He would not stay still.

I took some hydrocodone, and now I itch. Pills always make me itch.

Tonight I'm staying over at Shawna's.

The inside of my ear is sore. I poked it with a q-tip really hard cause it itched...now it hurts. =/

I have to go to class from 3:30 to 5:30 today...that sucks. I hope Travis and Chris will at least be there. Time goes by so much faster with Chris. Just cause we're into a lot of the same music, he's cute, and he's hilarious. He reminds me of Mike Meyers. I know for a fact I wouldn't be into him. He's too much of a dick to most people. We get along, but in the sarcastic asshole/bitch way. We have some real moments thrown in there too though, so that's cool.

Taylor isn't going to be there, she's the only chick I go to school with that I really get along with. Jenna is alright, but she annoys me sometimes, and she knows it. I tried to talk to this dude last night named David. He's short and chubby and has this beard thing going on. He's so cute in the smurf type way.

He NEVER talks. So like I started asking him questions and stuff. We were working in the same science book, so I asked him if he was still on the 1st chapter...He like blurted "YES". All his answers to my questions were like blurted. Like he was really shy and stuff. I was just like awwwww.

I love being a friendly person. Lately I've been pretty bitchy to most people at my school. I think I might try being nice. A few days ago Chris and I were talking...He was like "You're so much different now that you don't get high"...he said I'm a bitch to people now, and his exact words were "You don't even give people a chance anymore." I know that's true.

For real, I miss being the happy stoner I was. I was going through old journal entries..I used to have a life. A really fun one. Ohhhh welllll.

Maybe I'm so happy cause I haven't slept and had a nice pumpkin spice latte?

I think I'm done rambling now....

Could I be any more obvious?

2004-10-22T04:34:00.000-07:00

Are you stupid? Do you not get it?
It's all about you.
How many times do I have to hint, and then drawback?
Just give me some kind of sign without making me feel stupid.
That's all I want...just a sign.

For real... Why can't he get it? I wonder if he'll ever even read this..but if he does and he is reading...DO YOU FUCKING GET IT YET?

Like, I feel like I make it clear a lot..maybe I don't. I leave sooo many clues though. He's smart, he should be able to figure it out. MAYBE he has figured it out though, and he just doesn't care. Who really knows? I don't. If I felt like it was reciprical it might go farther.

Why do I have emotions? They fuck me up big time and ruin my happy life.

events from the alternative school

2004-10-19T01:31:00.000-07:00

So today I got into a bitchy mood. Not depressed or anything..just easily annoyed.

I was like 20 minutes late to school. Chris wasn't there so I was really bored.

I saw Dean coming in from outside and so I just looked the other way..and I looked in his general direction once..but then went back to ignoring me..and I think he might've tried to come up to me but it was pretty obvious I was ignoring him on purpose. He got the hint.

There's this guy. I don't know his name..but he's an asshole. A cocky, arrogant, sarcastic, arrogant asshole.
Were going to call him Asshole in this post. I like assholes usually, but I was in a bad mood. This guy always looks at me, last week he made some smart ass remark about my music being too loud and then later on in the period the teacher said something to him where he responded with "what?" so I answered him for the teacher and said that our teacher told him he was a retard and to shut up.

So tonight..he kept looking at me. I was in the room with hardly any people and he was walking by and staring and I had my music on. So I just said really loud "What the fuck?"

He started to say something so I turned off my music and I was like, 'What was that?' and he started saying saying something like 'were you saying that to me?' and I just said 'No, I was saying that because I wanted to..maybe you just have a guilty conscience?'

He started to say more..but then his friend was right there..and his friend was just like 'Dude, shut up. You're arguing with a girl'
Then Asshole said 'Well she got all bitchy trying to start something' ..or something along the lines of me trying to start something and being a bitch.

The his friend said 'I can't believe you're trying to start a fight with a girl..shut up' And this girl Taylor was over there agreeing with him. The whole time Asshole and I were like staring at eachother in I guess a mean way. Then when his friend told him to shut up..I smiled at Asshole..and went back to my work. Nothing too exciting..but it got a little aggression out. The rest of the night was okay. I held back a couple of times from being mean to people. Just saying something rude when they said something stupid outloud. So yea, it was an okay day.

I found out my 15 year old cousin Lizzie is pregnant and the baby's due in the beginning of December. That's really funny..because her dad is my uncle..and I call him Uncle Asshole..he's a dick. And always likes to think he's god's gift to mankind and his kids are perfect. It may be wrong to think this situation is funny..but I do. I feel bad for Lizzie and all..but really...

Back to the asshole from school. He's such a jerk..But like..I really like assholes. For real, it just attracts me. I'm probably going to end up mrrying a wife beater. No ok, I might kill him first. I'm not sure why I like the cocky, cynnical jerks..but I do. Asshole from school is the poster child of the jerks I like. If he didn't disgust me so much, I might like him. =)

not a psycho today

2004-10-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

Wellll..today I'm not acting and thinking like a psycho path.

I decided I really want nothing to do with Dean. I'm going to have to be a bitch and get my point across. I don't like you, I don't want anything to do with you. That's the point I'm going to get across. If I can go through with it that is...I used to have no problem at all being a bitch to people..Guys especially.

I was good at being cold hearted and all that, but like I guess I've been hurt by guys...or maybe just matured a little, and now it's harder for me to come off as a souless bitch. Oh well, I'll figure it out as I go and play it by ear.

As for the other guy..I really don't know. I've been kinda avoiding him and my friends so I won't go anywhere where he is. Ok I'm done for now.

I have a post in escrow about Jorge trying to kill Shawna and Becca, but I don't feel like typing it out right now.

....

2004-10-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

My friends piss me off. My family pisses me off. Every fucking thing pisses me off.

For real, I want to just freak out an start screaming. The truth is I would love to go out and get fucked up. Smoke some dope, and just fucking let go. I haven't been high off dope in forever. Fuck weed, that shit is gay. I'm so sick of bullshit. I don't hang out with 'druggies' or 'stoners' anymore..but the good kids. They are so boring. What the fuck. I want to go out to a party and get either really fucked up off dope, or just pissy ass drunk.

It's shroom season and I want to shroom so bad, but I know I shouldn't do it. Just for the simple fact, I'm a lot more different now, and I'd probably be all paranoid and have a bad trip. I'm not stupid. But dude.. I don't even know. It's like I'm depressed, but angry depressed. Like, everything inside me wants to break out and just destroy whatever is around me. I used to get like this and fight..I really wouldn't mind going out and just starting a fight. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just a flat out psycho.

I hate being home a lot. I get so frustrated. I think I slept probably 2 or 3 hours since yesterday..maybe that's why I'm in sucha bitchy mood.

Hey, I could always blame it on pms...but nooo wait. I can't. Yet another example of how I'm a fucked up kid that NEVER has normal shit happen.

I could just go through a list right now of people and the list would be my "Fuck You" list.

Alot of my "friends" would be on it. Okay, since I'm venting...There's this one chick I know.

She's such a great person...Gosh, always involved. Always the perfect kid.

"Hey, you're cool. We should hang out.."

These people try and get me to stay away from drugs... Well what the fuck.
I love being blown off. Like I'm a bad influence or just not quite right? Not fun?
Here's a flashing news update..I don't know you..you're a bitch. MAYBE..I'm not going to act like
Suzi from the fucking bake sale and pretend I've known you forever and just open up like life is great.

Seriously, I know if I hadn't moved..life wouldn't have been perfect..but I had a lot of friends. The kind I actually knew them. The real them. Not a bunch of super ficial "good intentioned" bitches. Like I'm some kind of low life scum? Fuck that.

I like to down play myself on purpose to people I meet and know. I dress like a grungy kid. Like I'm on well fare probably. I know for a fact a lot of peope think I'm some well fare case. Maybe not so much anymore, but if truth be told..I live in one of the nicest areas in this area. I'm surrounded by doctors and lawyers. I'm not bragging at all. It's just making a point that these people think I'm some kind of charity case. Fuck them.

I really don't want to go back to drugs and those people. But like, at least it fills up my week and I have shit that's fun to do. And they don't give a fuck about me. Just the drugs. Maybe I'm really into tht thing and just didn't know it. I really don't know. I can safely say..that none of my current 'friends' know all about the 'real' me. They know bits and pieces..enough to tie together with assumptions.

But like I said..Maybe I'm just one crazy bitch.

grrrrrr.

2004-10-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

Well..I was supposed to go out tongiht with Rach. She had to babysit and is supposed to call me when she gets off. She is taking FOREVER. I've been answering my phone thinking it was her. Dean called. I told him I was busy and was gonna go out..I might call him back later tonight when I get back but it could be late.

I feel kinda bad for blowing him off...I don't even know why dude. I'm not a bitch..but like..wow. I'm acting weird about this whole thing.

2004-10-15T16:49:00.000-07:00

So ok.

For the past couple of months I've been really into this one guy. Totally, like..He just seemed so perfect for me. Well it never really escalated into "us". I started backing off cause like..I didn't want to come off as being psycho or just obsessed.

Then there's another guy that I go to school with. His name is Dean. I never really talked to him much at school other than comments here and there. I had this kinda big crush on him for like a week or so, then h never really made a move or whatever or talked to me so I kinda dropped it. Well last night in class I was sitting next to him and we started talking a little bit more.

I've seen him looking at me before and stuff, but I always just try not to look at him because I odn't want him to see me looking. But anyway last night he wrote me this note because no one was allowed to talk.

All it said was "Hey is it cool if I call you sometime"..I couldn't help it. I wrote back "Sorry, I don't believe in phones..no exceptions" and gave it back to him. He looked at me kinda funny..then I was just like nah dude I was joking.

So we talked for so long last night. Like hours. Well, that seems like the cute little story book ending...But I don't know if I really like him. I know he likes me, and I probably made it seem like I liked him enough.

But, the truth is..He isn't the other guy. I mean, he's smart enough..but like..not the dry humor type or witty sarcastic way that I like. I like cynnical guys..Dean is I don't know. He seems too naive almost..but that's not really the word. I like him okay I guess...but I don't have the same feelings about him like butterflies in the stomach and all this giddy excitement. I feel kinda sick. All day today I've been avoiding the phone cause he said he was gonna call. I didn't go to class when I said he would..I think he went to meet me there. I'm avoiding him and I don't even know why. Yea..I'm confused. I don't know whether to give him a chance or not.

My day today...

2004-10-14T03:11:00.000-07:00

Well, lately I haven't been sleeping much. Earlier during the day around 1 pm ish I had been up for 24 hours. I went to bed tonight around 8 pm. So i had been up for a while. The my phone rang and it was Audra at like 11 or so. So I talked to her for an hour and ahalf or so, and I was wide awake. Ever since then I've been kinda hyper.

This morning and stuff I went and saw a counselor about all this rape stuff. For reals, I've never actually placed a word on it. It's weird. It's different today than it was even two days ago. The way of classifying it.

But anyway, on to the important part of my day. After the counselor I went over to Ginny's house. No, not me..another Ginny. SO i was hanging out with her and like, they needed to get rid of their cat Seis.

I've stayed the night over there before and hung out with Seis before and he's a way cool cat. His name is Seis cause his two front paws both have 6 toes. you know..uno, dose, trece, cuatro, cinco, Seis.

My grandparents have made it very known they don't want another cat though. But still, it was like saving Seis' life. So i smuggled him into the house in a backpack. I hid him in my room for a few hours then decided to tell my grandma..

She was sooo pissed. My grandpa really freaked out. He was yelling, and he freaked Seis out so bad. So like they said I had until Saturday to find him a new home or they'd get rid of him. Well, I was supposed to keep him in the garage/rec room. My cat Smiley, the cat we've had for years and years. He's a really big old tom cat..he really did not like the idea of sharing his house with Seis. He was acting liek a psycho. In the end, Seis ran away out the cat door. I miss him already. ='(

2004-10-13T05:38:00.000-07:00

So tonight I went on kind of a writing binge. Which is cool cause I haven't written anything really in a long time. Anything that was really important to me.

Here's another one from tonight...

I want to hold you like our lives were
written on a page of suburbian history.
Instead of our current paperback dime story mysterey.
Wondering if I still love you enough to care,
even if it means being scared of what will happen next.
You were still alive last time I checked, months ago.
How come you can't be like the moms they show on TVLAND?
The rare kind that understand, or even stay in their child's life/
Is it really so hard to decide if loving you is worth it?
I guess that's what it comes to when the options are
me, or your next hit.
If you were around, I'm sure you would have found
a life with your kids would have been much more satisfying
than all the things you've always hid.

Do you hear me now?

2004-10-13T03:51:00.000-07:00

I didn't say a word.
Now it seems that silence is the only way to be heard.
Making my silent response an answer for you to flaunt.
Did you go home and sit upon your throne using our encounter as a personal treat,
as meaningless as a simple morsel to eat?
But it was really a treat turned into a feast.
Who else has seen your inner beast?
I was just some little girl causing your toes to curl.
You hurled your desires, now I'm hurling my emotions.
But it's different. What you did was apparent to only me.
What I'm doing is transparent to you,
but look through into my pain.
This is the game,
No one else to give it a name. So here I am.

You get the idea.

2004-10-13T03:27:00.000-07:00

Let's joke about it some more.
No one would go through it but a whore, right?
Nevermind the fight before, nevermind how she pleaded
"Please, no more..."
Laugh about the pain. Anything to keep yourself believing
you are infact sane and untainted by shame.
What about the cost of your glee? The ones haunted by a never ending memory,
the ones who were unable to flee the assault itself.
Physically, and emotionally used, and now further abused by you.
During all this fun and banter..ask youself..
Is this really a laughing matter?

Random

2004-10-13T00:19:00.000-07:00

I wrote this when I was in one of those blagh moods. It isn't that significant.

I mask my self behind my imagination.
Never committed to anything but to comdemnation.
I pretend I'm running when I'm truly resting,
the only thing you see pressing
is my imgination masked by your creation.
I'm pleasing you,
I'm teasing me.
Put me in the spotlight...
It's my home...Light of hate, light of cruetly.
Just don't make your intentions known.
Always quick to assume...I can never find the truth.
I'm so quick to judge myself, I'm so quick to amuse myself.
I'm so quick to brag about myself. Always so quick to judge myself.
I can't be saved from myself. This is my hell. Only covered by your and my shell.

Inspired by Tyler.

2004-10-13T00:11:00.000-07:00

I had a friend die recently in a car crash while driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol. This was inspired by him, but it's mostly for my other friends whow ere affected by his death but are still making the same choices he made that ended up killing him.

sleeping in the devil's playground
not a single truth to be found
you're invincible.
never coming to your senses un til
something happens.
never thinking something could dampen
the fun you're partaking
suddenly your heart is breaking
harder and harder to stop aching
death came. it hit a nerve
this pain isn't something you deserve
but maybe it's what you need in order to swerve
and get off your own path of destruction
not meeting in the same deadly conjunction
You can't look away.
I can't look away.
If you insist to stay
In the playground
where all the drugs and pain that surround
your heart is where you'll be sure to be found.

For starters.

2004-10-12T23:36:00.000-07:00

Well, I made this blog to vent, and even rant about pointless things. It also serves as a place to post some poems. If you want to comment fine. Pointers are cool. If you're going to tear up what I write, then don't bother.

I wrote this last night because this time of eyar brings back a lot of memories and for some reason last night I was really hurting. I wa shurting on the inside for a long time, then once I started writing this I sort of broke and began crying. Letting go a little bit at a time.

Was it rape?
Either way I can escape my actions. Can't wash away all the dirt that I tracked it.
Why can't I forget about all the palces I've been? I always find myself burried in it up to my chin.
But still, I got it off my chest, I confessed. Somehow only adding to the stress of being a so-called "victim"
No one was there to restrict him, but I was.
And that's the truth. A simple error of a youth.
Still unable to get rid of a memory even through amturity and growth.
Where do I go now?
I know it's one seed burried and still one I continue to plow.